walking c0ntradiction

stay brutal
Emma | 22 | Toronto.

i dont know who i am yet.

but i know IDGAF

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hi guys :)

this week the weather has been so beautiful! i got inspired by it, so i made a flowery headband, and it was less then 5 dollars to make! i feel so pretty when i wear it :) <3

i love hanging out in my boyfriends shirt when i miss him :$ and i think my hair is adorable like this!
also im wearing shorts, you just cant see them :(

~mwah~

i think my dress is fucking cute, i just had to have it!

hi :)

This is my story.
The yellow lines represent where i have stretchmarks. I know most people do this for self harm but i am sensitive about my stretchmarks and its something i would like to talk about. I used to be thin, lanky and flat when i was in 6-8th grade. We eat healthy at home, we always have salad, and veggies at dinner, and barely any junk food except on the days when my mom has a hankering for kfc. I look back at the embarrassing pictures of my self from 6th to 8th grade, and let out a sigh of “those were such better days” when the waves of nostalgia hit me. The summer of 8th grade i went away to cadet camp for two weeks in the summer. This huge army base literally in the middle of the forest, two hours from home. Its built to hold something like 4,000 people including kitchen staff, maintenance, officers, padres, and medics. 3 mandatory meals a day, skipping them is not an option. for two weeks i shared a tent with 10 girls from all over Ontario. Almost instantly i became really close with my bunk mate, Liz Jones. She was like me, thin and lanky, but she had long blonde hair and blue eyes and her skin was tan unlike mine which was pasty and covered with freckles. She seemed to have this grace about her, which for the life of me i could not posses, and believe me i tried. All the boys wanted her, i was envious of her for that, but she was more interested in hanging out with me then any of the boys, we literally went everywhere together and did everything together. She picked me to be her best friend, and i was so happy about that because no one had ever picked me to spend all their time with before. I didn’t know it at the time but Liz had an eating disorder, thinking back it was a combination of the two, there were times when she wouldn’t eat a bite, and others she would scarf it all down in a matter of minutes and spend the rest of the time throwing it up. I never asked questions though, i would patiently wait for her in front of the washroom after every meal, and gratefully except her extra fries, pizza pocket or whatever was on the menu that day so that it looked like she had eaten. She told me how they bullied her in school, and called her jizz loans, because it cruelly rhymed with Liz Jones, kids are really mean at 14 but that being at school wasn’t nearly as bad as being at home with her abusive parents. I told her that my parents are alcoholics and that was the first time i ever told someone about my parents disease. Since the base had to feed 4,000 people 3 times a day, they didn’t waste time with vegetables or healthy food. All of it was all pre-packaged, easy to make in bulk, processed food. Coupled with hormones, all that unhealthy food which i was often having double portions of because Liz would give me hers, i rapidly gained weight. My boobs seemed to appear over night, and my hips and thighs ballooned. When i got home, none of my clothes fit me, and everyone i knew was talking about how much more “grown up i looked” although i didn’t really notice the lines on my skin that i remember thinking looked like a bunch of lightning bolts until half way through grade nine. I struggle with my stretch marks every day, i cant tell you how many hours ive spent crying over them, wishing they would just disappear. I was embarrassed to wear shorts, and swimming was completely not an option. I’ve Googled home remedies and things i can do to make them go away, bought bio oil, cocoa butter, and any other product that supposedly works. name it, ive done it. I still hate them, i probably will always hate them but ive decided to try and embrace them since im trying to better my self by working out, and accepting my flaws is a step in this process ive decided to take very seriously. Yes, they came from eating unhealthy food, but more importantly they also came from a time when i made a friendship with a girl who needed someone to accept her for just the way she was. That makes them a easier to accept, not to mention Tyler doesn’t even care about them, he’ll kiss the ones on my inner thighs and hips and tell me that they dont matter to him because im the most beautiful and sexy girl hes ever laid eyes on. Instead of thinking of them as ugly marks on my skin that will never go away, i like to think of my stretchmarks as a story thats imprinted on my skin, that will always remind me when i look at them. I still think about liz from time to time, i wonder if shes okay, and if she has stopped punishing her self for the way people can be cruel for no reason. One day i will accept my stretch marks, and one day i will be able to tell this story with out tears in my eyes, im hoping those will both fall on the same day.

i love him so much <3

i love when i have good hair days, i always feel so pretty when my hair decides to cooperate with me. :)

were super cute :$

he makes me the happiest! <3

seeing double.

feeling good and loving my self ! <3

i havent uploaded a new picture of my face for a while. so here you go! <3

this is my best friend vanessa, she doesnt have tumblr, but i love this picture of us. isnt she such a babe? yeah i know! i love her so much <3